The End of the Road {trip}

I've been a little MIA lately {here and on Facebook}, and I'm sorry. As usual, life has gotten away from me, and I feel like I've been in a constant state of RUSHING. I am most definitely ruled by the clock, but I'm sure all working mommies feel this way.

Between being a single parent, my day job {but it's mostly an evening job}, filling Etsy orders, cleaning the house, paying bills, yard work, yada yada yada, I don't have much time for blogging-let alone time to create the projects to actually blog about.

Most days, I feel accomplished if I get the dishes washed {no dishwasher} and Preston dressed before I have to leave for work. Then, there's the 40 minute drive to work! That drive is usually the only break I get all day though, so I'm kinda grateful for it. Life was a lot different when I knew there would be an extra set of hands coming through the door at five pm to take on some of the stress and duties. Jeez! Back then, my biggest daily worry was what to make for dinner...

On top of that, my divorce should be final in the next month, and I guess I've been in a bit of a funk. I might even call it a slight depression. It's so hard to describe my exact feelings about it all, but I promised when I shared the initial news that I was going to be as honest {blunt} as possible about this process.

I will be relieved to finally be legally free from the person who has hurt me beyond belief. I don't miss him in any way. He made that part easy. I also refused to ever waste a moment pining over someone who obviously never really loved me in the first place. I'll also add that isn't an issue either, because in order for me to tell him our marriage was over I knew there was no chance of reconciliation. At that point, there was nothing left inside me for him.

It's honestly just a mix of emotions as this year from hell comes to an end.

On one hand, I'm very proud of myself for making it through, in one piece, and having a happy and well adjusting child to show for it. On the other hand, I'm exhausted from carrying the burden of it all on my own and trying to scramble to figure out how I was going to maintain our lifestyle on one income. We've settled in, and I'm finally accepting that this is how our life is going to be from here on out. Am I exactly where I'd hoped I would be at this point? No way, but I'm slowly accepting that's alright too. One day at a time. One day at a time. Say it with me!

One day at a time.

I'm mostly sad for my son. He really is going to be a statistic and come from a broken home. His "daddy" moved out of state almost eight months ago, and he hasn't seen him since. Preston's dad has almost been out of our lives for HALF of his little life. He will have no memories of him soon, and that breaks my heart. I worry a lot about the years to come. Those years where understanding truly takes shape and the questions begin. I role play in my mind and wonder exactly what I'll say to that curious little face. I so desperately want to shield him from as much heartbreak as possible.

Today, his dad sent him a package in the mail. It probably was about time since he never got a birthday gift or anything for Easter, and Preston was ecstatic to open the box and play with his new trucks. I stood back and smiled, and then it occurred to me. He's TWO. Soon, a package in the mail won't be enough to fill the massive void his father's absence will cause. The saying is true.

You can't buy love...

I took this photo on a recent family day trip to Jefferson, South Carolina, and I edited it in Instagram. It's given me a lot of comfort lately.

Here's a few more images from that trip.

Aren't those tubs awesome? It was just a graveyard of claw foots in front {and beside} of an old house alongside the road. There must have been hundreds of them. I freaked and made my dad pull over so I could capture it.

We went to one of the most delightful stores I've ever seen downtown. The store was jam packed with vintage toys, and the shop keeper let us touch and play with everything. It was fun to take a walk down memory lane.

This little roadside gem was literally inches from the winding mountain road. I scored a medicine cabinet for just $5 here. Look for that, if I ever get the bathroom done!

I'll leave you with a picture of Preston. Papa came out of a gas station with this little surprise. It probably wasn't the best idea to have his first push pop strapped in the backseat! He loved it though...

Crystal xoxo

A little Update...

It's been awhile since I've let you in on what's going on with the "Big D", so I thought I'd bring you up to speed. A lot has happened.

In January, we went to court in a mad rush, because "he" decided he was moving to Wisconsin for a job. All of a sudden, it was imperative to get before a judge and get an agreement. Hallelujah! That's what I had been pushing for since SEPTEMBER, but whatever's convenient for him...

Over night, his story changed. He went from claiming a visitation schedule of every other weekend and one night each week wasn't enough {even though he never called and made an effort to see him about once a month} to claiming a move to Wisconsin was "better" for Preston. This way he could "start a college fund" for him and "pay his health insurance". I guess quality face-to-face time is overrated...

He was VERY agreeable. He gave me the house and full custody of Preston...if I would take on all the debt. I wasn't thrilled with this "settlement", but I was getting the better end of the stick {my son}! He also agreed to give me the entire tax refund and pay one year of spousal support. While doing the math, I was still absorbing A LOT financially, but it was SOMETHING, so I agreed. I just wanted it to be over, and I wanted to make sure I could afford to support Preston on my own. Keeping the house was also very important to me, because I didn't want to disrupt this little boy's life anymore!

With this new found income, I was able to immediately get off assistance and step forward, and I was feeling fantastic. He was to begin paying on February 1st, and I had until June 1st to refinance the house in my name.

 Immediately, I began the refinancing process. I was able to turn our fifteen year mortgage into a twenty year and combine one existing loan. This ended up saving me about $350 a month! I was on cloud nine...

Then, January 30th came {moving day}, and we never heard from him. He didn't even try to say good-bye to his baby! I was devastated. Heartbroken. Confused. ANGRY! But those words don't even sum up my real feelings... 

Then, February 1st came, but the money didn't. With a little texting pressure, I was able to get payment from him by the 15th, and I was still optimistic that he would hold up his end of the bargain. He called Preston on February 17th {Preston's 2nd Birthday} and again on the 18th. I asked him to please begin calling on a regular basis so Preston can count on it and look forward to it. He said he fully planned on doing so...

Then, March 1st and the 5th and the 15th came and went, and nothing. No money. No phone calls. Nothing.

As of right now, he refuses to pay me, so back to court we go. He informed me {via text} that he won't be paying me until he's forced to. This time around, my lawyer is able to ask for him to pay my court fees, because he's not following through on the original agreement.

As of April 1st, he will be over $1,400 behind, and I'm feeling the pressure. I do not know why he has to make everything SO difficult on me. I don't understand why he must fight me on everything and why he's refusing to follow through with the agreement he signed! I don't understand why he can't even {at the VERY LEAST} pick up the phone and talk to his son. I don't have the energy to babysit him and go back through this legal process, but I also don't really have a choice.

I'm stressed. I get no parental support from him and adjusting to this single parent thing has run a toll on me. Some days, I want to climb in a hole and not come out, but I can't, and I won't...I promise you that!

Divorce: The Emotional Highs and Lows of it ALL...

I don't talk too much about the details of what's really been going on in our lives, because I honestly try to keep things pretty upbeat here. No one likes a Debbie Downer, and no one's going to follow an emotional wreak into the depths of despair. It's just sort of against human nature.

Honestly, most days I AM pretty happy. Most days, I can easily find something to be grateful for, and I cling to those things like no other. Most days, I let go of my fear of the future and try to instead embrace the unknown. Most days, I sing and dance around the house and see traces of the Crystal I was before...

Every day, I pray and ask God to give me the strength to make it through. I ask him to protect Preston and I and to help him {that's what I'll refer to the ex as from now on} to make good choices. I ask God to help me keep our home. I ask him to guide me through work and allow me to do my job to the best of my ability. I ask for enough energy to get through my homework assignments, and I ask him to put angels on our roof at night and wrap their wings around us letting no evil in and pushing all evil far, far away. I ask him to keep all ghosts, spirits, demons, witches, vampires and anything of none human form away from us. I also ask that he keep all intruders, robbers, vandalists, murders, torturers, rapists, kidnappers, child molesters, peeping toms, terrorists, identity thieves and anyone else with evil or ill intent away. Honestly. I want to cover all of my bases, and I can't relax unless I know I asked for all of THAT to be banished from our property. Silly? Yes, but it helps! I'm not so great at sleeping alone at night just yet...

I also ask God to give me the push I need at the grocery store check-out to pull out my Food Stamp card and get the groceries we need. I ask him to protect me every time I'm forced to walk into Social Services and explain my story again. I ask for guidance when I make the trips to the VIEW office and hand in my pay stubs and reach for the $20 gas card they give me every few weeks to make it to work. Forget everything you thought you knew about people on assistance. I am the face of Food Stamps.

Then, just when I'm sure I'm doing alright. Just when I finally get a somewhat decent check from work {if you call $300 decent}, and I am able to proudly pay a few bills and breathe just "a little" bit easier, a day like today happens. Stupid me for not thinking ahead and setting up a "just in case my husband cheats and I'm forced to kick him out to keep my self respect" savings account. Stupid me for being a stay at home mom and taking care of our child and our home while I trusted him to always keep his family in his heart no matter where he was or what he was doing.

We were supposed to go to court Thursday, and I was SO eager to finally get a child and spousal support order and a solid custody plan in place, but I got a call this morning. That won't be happening. His new lawyer cannot make it that day, and he's ever so graciously sent my lawyer an agreement he'd like me to sign. There is no future court date in place, and all I know is that my lawyer does not like the agreement. Go figure! This is the FOURTH court date that has been scheduled only to be canceled. There's a lot I could say about what I'm assuming his "plan" is here, but I won't.

I have a phone meeting with my lawyer tomorrow to go over this "agreement", so I will know more then. In the mean time, I've broken down every thirty seconds today. I'm at the end of my rope, and I don't understand where he gets off continuing to punish me this way. I KNOW divorce can be dirty. I KNOW it's not going to be easy. Hell...it hasn't been yet, but I'm just frustrated. The truth is, he has asked to take Preston THREE times, since August 14th. He has bought ONE pack of diapers, since August 14th, and this is not because I haven't asked for diapers {soap, onesies, etc.}. Since the week of August 14th, he has given me $200. You do the math...

He doesn't call to check on Preston. We don't hear a word for WEEKS from him. In fact, he went 28 days in October between even seeing him. He thinks he's going to "give" me the awesome gift of the house, and with that I get all the bills. Fantastic. I probably did deserve that {insert sarcasm}. Gosh, if only I would have put up with a husband who was never faithful to me. Then, I could have continued to live a perfect little life with all of the bills paid and silently suffered. Yeah, that would have been fair...

I have been the bigger person. I did call and invite him over to carve pumpkins and go trick-or-treating. I did that for our son, and he came. He was over the moon nice...something he hasn't been able to muster up for months. He even gave me $1.25 in quarters so I could get a pop at work on Sunday {when he dropped Preston off}. Hummm...

Now, just to be very clear, I am not a greedy person. I do not expect a handout from him. All that I am asking for is that he be held accountable for his adult responsibilities. I expect my son's father to be held partially financially responsible for him for the next eighteen years, and I expect my husband to help financially support me until this divorce is final. Period.

Please, wrap your arms around us today. Preston and I need your prayers and your support. I am extremely nervous for tomorrow's phone meeting, but I am able to smile. We are very lucky to have such a wonderful family who supports us in all we do, and I am also grateful for YOU. You bring in outside perspectives. You encourage me and push me forward. It is your loyalty and friendship that also helps build me up on days like this, and mama said there'll be days like this...

31 Days of PINK {Day 14}

There won't be much decor text today-just a little "PINK Christmas Picture Party"!

BUT, before we get started, I wanted to touch base. After yesterday's post, I received a few emails. Most were extremely uplifting and were exactly what I needed to hear right now, but some readers misunderstood what I was trying to convey. I will address you each personally, but I wanted to shed some light on it tonight. I am generally a "glass half full" kind of girl. I am generally happy. I do not expose my son to hostility or have heated phone discussions with my spouse while he is present. His character will not be tarnished by the ugly happenings in our lives. THAT I will be sure of. Rest assured that my baby will be alright.

Now, does that mean I don't occasionally fall off the rocker and have a bad day? Of course not! I'm human. I am not perfect, and I am navigating this separation and divorce the best way I can at any given moment. Is my intention ever to completely bash Ryan? No. Does he deserve it sometimes? Probably, but I don't have to lie or exaggerate for the situation to sound bad. I speak the truth. It is what it is, and the facts alone are horrible. It is THAT bad.

For the reader who "knows" I don't want to admit that it takes two to destroy a marriage, I will say this. I have read A LOT on cheating and surviving infidelity. I have read A LOT on reconciliation after infidelity, the success rates, the typical grieving stages, etc. While it is true that a marriage takes TWO, that goes right out the window the moment one of those people decides to break the marriage vow.

Was I the one who stood up for myself and decided to end the marriage and kick him out? Hell, yes! So if that is my part in "destroying this marriage", then I take full accountability for that, but only that fact alone! There is NEVER an excuse for cheating. EVER. There is nothing I could have done or said that would excuse his behavior, and let's be honest here, my husband was never faithful. His cheating goes back to our dating days, and he stood before our entire families and made a vow that was already meaningless. I entered this marriage with false pretenses, and as soon as I discovered the truth, I took action! I made the choice to consider reconciliation, and I gave it every effort in my being. HE is the one who failed our marriage. He is the one who went back to the same destructive behavior, so I will not take some of the pressure off him and and absorb ANY of that blame. I would be doing a disservice to myself and my scorned readers. In a cheating situation, it does not take two to destroy a marriage. If you have been cheated on, and you took even an ounce of that blame, I pity you. You did not deserve it.

So, with all of that being said, know this. I am ok. I do have a sense of humor, and I will be periodically discussing what is happening in my personal life. I do not say anything here that I wouldn't say to his face. I am using these posts in my blog as a sort of diary. I want to look back and remember exactly what I was feeling at rock bottom, so that when I climb back to the top, I will forever be grateful for this journey. I am seeing a counselor-for myself and for Preston-to make sense of it all and to calm my soul. I pray every day that Ryan will make good choices and seek help too, but we cannot control others. We can only control our own thoughts and our own actions.

I realize that I am VERY lucky to have both of my parent's help and support. I thank God every day for them, and I thank them constantly. I do not take them for granted. Not for one second. They are a constant in Preston's life, and I am very grateful for that.

Here's what I'm calling my anthem. I play it daily. It often makes me smile, it evokes tears and it gives me hope. I connect with this song on a deeper level than I have ever connected with any song, and I'm not typically a music girl. I couldn't tell you who sang what or what something's called. Music doesn't normally speak to me...Ironically, Sugarland uploaded this song on my birthday. Weird.

Alright! Let's put the tissues away and dive into the decor of the day! Shall we?

No, Blue Christmas around my house {probably not PINK either}, but you get the drift!



Who knew a PINK Christmas could be so elegant and well done?! Who's inspired now to bust out the totes of decorations and get started on making a few new ones?

31 Days of PINK {Day 13}

Before we get started, I think I need to vent awhile...I hope you don't mind!

Tomorrow {or today, because I write these the night before}, is a very BIG day for me. I am rejoining the workforce. It's been exactly two years since I was laid off {while I was pregnant for Preston}. Ryan and I decided it would be more economical for us if we avoided daycare costs and I stayed home with the baby. My educational background is in early childhood development and preschool teachers do not get compensated well in our area. After daycare expenses, I was only going to bring home $47/week! Gasp! Soon after Preston was born, I started my first Etsy Shop. That was somewhat successful, and I gained a lot of business off Etsy too, but it was never enough to support our entire family!

I find myself conflicted tonight. On one hand, I am VERY grateful to finally have a job, because this mortgage needs to be paid! I am also excited to be working in the kitchen design department at Lowe's. I think it's going to greatly benefit my design career, give me a host of knowledge and experience and be somewhat fulfilling. So far, they seem like a GREAT company to work for. Really.

Here's where the conflict comes in. I am not worried about leaving Preston, because he's going to be with my mom, and I know he will be ok, but I'm angry! I'm angry at Ryan for putting me in this financial mess of a situation. I'm angry at him for backing me into a corner and forcing me to HAVE to get a job...like YESTERDAY! I'm angry that I have to miss out on milestones with Preston that I otherwise wouldn't have missed. I'm angry that Preston has to deal with the massive amount of changes that are happening around him lately. I'm just angry...

We were supposed to go to court for our custody, child support and spousal support hearing today {Wednesday}, but my lawyer canceled it and moved our case to circuit court. I originally filed for custody in juvenile court, before I hired him or knew what I was doing, and because a divorce cannot be granted in juvenile court, he thought it best to move everything to circuit court. The next possible date is two more weeks away. Even though I am very anxious for Ryan to be required to help fulfill his financial obligations here, I agreed that it was best to move the hearing. Ryan was MAD about it. He didn't speak too kindly to me on the phone today, and it's just been an emotionally rough day...

However, I did try to make this day completely about Preston, since it was officially our last day together before I went back to work. I showered him in attention, and affection, and took him to the library for HOURS. He loved every minute of it too, and so did I! It's amazing how the touch of your child's hand can calm all of your worries. I have such a hard time understanding why his dad suddenly seems so busy that he can't even bring himself to call to check on him or tell him good night...

Those of you who have been there, PLEASE, tell me the hurt goes away and this all gets just a little bit easier!

Alright...Enough of the walk down Dreary Lane! Let's get PINK inspired...

Well, isn't THAT the life?!

I've been kind of obsessed with these ribbon cakes lately. "They" say they're somewhat easy to do, but I have yet to try it...

Pretty and easy! ANYONE could make these, because the sugar and pearl candies will hide any flaws. Just buy a box mix and some cute liners, and you're all set! I challenge you...TRY THIS!

Tomorrow, we'll explore a few PINK Christmas spaces. Yep! We are approaching that time of year ladies, rather we want to admit it or not!

Home Tour: Taking Back Space After Separation

Since Ryan left, I've felt a tremendous urge to make our room more MY room! Of course, I have had very little money to do this, but I've made a few small changes. These few changes have given me some control over a space that could otherwise bring me down....way....way....down.

The first change I made didn't cost a cent. I filled the giant gap his clothes left in the closet {and filled up his empty bedside table drawers}. Don't be fooled. I couldn't bring myself to do this for weeks. Something about it just felt so final.

Eventually, I decided that I hated the reminder I got every time I opened the closet. I decided that it was making me feel worse and stuck and...depressed. THAT'S the day I did something about it! Of course, he had way more clothes than I did, so I just took the hangers and spread them out. Then, I divided my sweaters and sweatshirts into two groups and filled his former sweatshirt shelf with my sweaters. Lastly, the few shoes I had on the floor went into his shoe shelf, and I was finished. My stuff was spread out. I could breathe, and all that extra space reminded me that one day I'll have a full time job again. Then, I'll be able to finally afford to go shopping and fill it up {with some hot date clothes maybe...}. Hey, a girl's gotta dream!

The next change was easy too. I just took this pillow...

and turned it around...

I thought the little brown pillow added texture and a touch of femininity, so I threw it on there too. I'm still deciding if I like it or not. {$7 Walmart clearance find}

The next change was a bit out of necessity, for me anyway. Our old blue curtains were thin and see-through, and I didn't feel safe, since my bedroom faces the street...

Call me a baby, but I'm a scatty cat, and sleep is important to me! I replaced them with lined, chocolate brown curtains I found on a Target end cap for $12! I hung them up, but it didn't give the exact impact I wanted, and since they were a clearance item, I knew I better scoop them up. The next day, I went back and got another set!



Much better! I think it adds drama, a touch of romance, and they coordinate well with the little brown Walmart pillow. I also scored those two prints for $15 at T.J. Maxx. Don't you just love to turn a T.J. item over and see those little red clearance stickers?!

There's still some changes I'd like to make...

Even though I'm keeping my last name, that "A" just represents our marriage bed. Since it's most definitely not that anymore, leaving it there would be like a constant reminder of who used to share it with me. It just has to go...eventually...when I can afford a cool mirror big enough to cover it!

I also still have one of our wedding pictures framed on a bedside table...

I've taken up sleeping on his former side, so I don't wake up looking at it anymore, but I'll replace it as soon as I get around to printing one of Preston I like. Baby steps, people. Baby steps! {Notice that I still use Preston's baby monitor too, but I don't like it in plain view, so it gets hidden behind the display.} The frames and candle were originally from T.J. Maxx. The book was from a garage sale.

If you're going through a divorce, or have gone through one, what was one of the first things you did to take back your space?!

EDIT 10/3/11:

Since originally writing this post, I have replaced the wedding picture next to my bed!

I got lucky enough to stumble upon this GREETING CARD on clearance at Pier 1 Imports. It was just $1.98, and I simply cut it to fit! I am thrilled with the symbolic results, and it makes me smile every time I look at it!

Life Changes

I have really struggled with the idea of writing this post, but then a few things came to mind. First of all, I did nothing wrong and have nothing to hide. Second, writing has been a therapy for me since I can remember and has always helped me work out my thoughts. Third, I need the truth to come out, so I can move toward the next step and breathe a little easier.

Ryan and I are getting a divorce. There. I said it. Without completely bashing him, I will state the facts. Last October, I discovered he had never been faithful to me. Never. In a round of lie after lie and only admitting to the facts as I found them, I was left devastated. He was very remorseful, and we eventually decided to work on our marriage. Because I didn't take our vows lightly. Because I married him with every intention of it lasting forever. Because I loved him, and until the day I discovered the lies, I had truly thanked God for him every day. Because I had never taken him or our family for granted. Ever. I knew our marriage, and our son, deserved a fighting chance.

In July, I discovered he was back to the same activity. This time, he flat out refused counseling, and I told him it would be the only chance our marriage had of survival. This thing was bigger than us, and he needed help. This lead me into a week of pure hell. I was stressed. I was heart broken. I was scared.

In the end, I decided I couldn't do it anymore. He was very cold, and he showed little remorse this time. I knew I couldn't fight for our marriage on my own, and I shouldn't have to after everything he had done. As soon as I said it was over, he seemed relieved. This hurt almost more than anything. We decided that he would stay on the couch until I found a job, because up to this point, I had been a stay at home mom.

His mom passed away a week later, and he never even called to tell me. I read that our son's grandmother had died on Facebook...

The night he returned home, from a week away in Michigan for the funeral, I found out that he had been going out to the bar with friends and had begun communicating with a woman. As I was confronting him with this, she called his phone, at one in the morning. Of course, he lied about who it was at first. When he admitted it was her, I told him to get out. I couldn't live under the same roof with a man who didn't even have enough respect for me to wait to start pursuing relationships until I had a job and he was out of our home. He was angry. He threw out a lot of threats regarding our son, and he left...

The last two weeks have been the hardest of my entire life. I have gone through a lot in the past, but nothing compares to this. Nothing. Divorce, especially on these terms, is something I wouldn't wish upon my worst enemy. I was forced to go to social services and ask for aid, because he initially left me with $128.11 and all of the bills. I have been forced to meet with lawyers to discover my rights and what the next steps are. I have been forced to file my son's name with the court system and petition for custody of my own child. That, my friends, is something I never thought I would ever have to do. That was the hardest day of my life. I cried the entire time I was at the court house.

I will be keeping the house, as it stands right now, so I hope to continue this blog in a slightly different direction. From now on, I can be known as the "Divorced Decorator" {giggle. giggle. tear.}, and I'll take you on the journey of a single mother on a mission to maintain a beautiful home for her and her son. We'll just be on an even tighter budget now, and you might find some boring posts {like how to change a furnace filter}, but please bare with me.

I am surviving. I am breathing, and I am taking it one day at a time. I will be alright...