Divorce: The Emotional Highs and Lows of it ALL...

I don't talk too much about the details of what's really been going on in our lives, because I honestly try to keep things pretty upbeat here. No one likes a Debbie Downer, and no one's going to follow an emotional wreak into the depths of despair. It's just sort of against human nature.

Honestly, most days I AM pretty happy. Most days, I can easily find something to be grateful for, and I cling to those things like no other. Most days, I let go of my fear of the future and try to instead embrace the unknown. Most days, I sing and dance around the house and see traces of the Crystal I was before...

Every day, I pray and ask God to give me the strength to make it through. I ask him to protect Preston and I and to help him {that's what I'll refer to the ex as from now on} to make good choices. I ask God to help me keep our home. I ask him to guide me through work and allow me to do my job to the best of my ability. I ask for enough energy to get through my homework assignments, and I ask him to put angels on our roof at night and wrap their wings around us letting no evil in and pushing all evil far, far away. I ask him to keep all ghosts, spirits, demons, witches, vampires and anything of none human form away from us. I also ask that he keep all intruders, robbers, vandalists, murders, torturers, rapists, kidnappers, child molesters, peeping toms, terrorists, identity thieves and anyone else with evil or ill intent away. Honestly. I want to cover all of my bases, and I can't relax unless I know I asked for all of THAT to be banished from our property. Silly? Yes, but it helps! I'm not so great at sleeping alone at night just yet...

I also ask God to give me the push I need at the grocery store check-out to pull out my Food Stamp card and get the groceries we need. I ask him to protect me every time I'm forced to walk into Social Services and explain my story again. I ask for guidance when I make the trips to the VIEW office and hand in my pay stubs and reach for the $20 gas card they give me every few weeks to make it to work. Forget everything you thought you knew about people on assistance. I am the face of Food Stamps.

Then, just when I'm sure I'm doing alright. Just when I finally get a somewhat decent check from work {if you call $300 decent}, and I am able to proudly pay a few bills and breathe just "a little" bit easier, a day like today happens. Stupid me for not thinking ahead and setting up a "just in case my husband cheats and I'm forced to kick him out to keep my self respect" savings account. Stupid me for being a stay at home mom and taking care of our child and our home while I trusted him to always keep his family in his heart no matter where he was or what he was doing.

We were supposed to go to court Thursday, and I was SO eager to finally get a child and spousal support order and a solid custody plan in place, but I got a call this morning. That won't be happening. His new lawyer cannot make it that day, and he's ever so graciously sent my lawyer an agreement he'd like me to sign. There is no future court date in place, and all I know is that my lawyer does not like the agreement. Go figure! This is the FOURTH court date that has been scheduled only to be canceled. There's a lot I could say about what I'm assuming his "plan" is here, but I won't.

I have a phone meeting with my lawyer tomorrow to go over this "agreement", so I will know more then. In the mean time, I've broken down every thirty seconds today. I'm at the end of my rope, and I don't understand where he gets off continuing to punish me this way. I KNOW divorce can be dirty. I KNOW it's not going to be easy. Hell...it hasn't been yet, but I'm just frustrated. The truth is, he has asked to take Preston THREE times, since August 14th. He has bought ONE pack of diapers, since August 14th, and this is not because I haven't asked for diapers {soap, onesies, etc.}. Since the week of August 14th, he has given me $200. You do the math...

He doesn't call to check on Preston. We don't hear a word for WEEKS from him. In fact, he went 28 days in October between even seeing him. He thinks he's going to "give" me the awesome gift of the house, and with that I get all the bills. Fantastic. I probably did deserve that {insert sarcasm}. Gosh, if only I would have put up with a husband who was never faithful to me. Then, I could have continued to live a perfect little life with all of the bills paid and silently suffered. Yeah, that would have been fair...

I have been the bigger person. I did call and invite him over to carve pumpkins and go trick-or-treating. I did that for our son, and he came. He was over the moon nice...something he hasn't been able to muster up for months. He even gave me $1.25 in quarters so I could get a pop at work on Sunday {when he dropped Preston off}. Hummm...

Now, just to be very clear, I am not a greedy person. I do not expect a handout from him. All that I am asking for is that he be held accountable for his adult responsibilities. I expect my son's father to be held partially financially responsible for him for the next eighteen years, and I expect my husband to help financially support me until this divorce is final. Period.

Please, wrap your arms around us today. Preston and I need your prayers and your support. I am extremely nervous for tomorrow's phone meeting, but I am able to smile. We are very lucky to have such a wonderful family who supports us in all we do, and I am also grateful for YOU. You bring in outside perspectives. You encourage me and push me forward. It is your loyalty and friendship that also helps build me up on days like this, and mama said there'll be days like this...