Monday, August 29, 2011

Life Changes

I have really struggled with the idea of writing this post, but then a few things came to mind. First of all, I did nothing wrong and have nothing to hide. Second, writing has been a therapy for me since I can remember and has always helped me work out my thoughts. Third, I need the truth to come out, so I can move toward the next step and breathe a little easier.

Ryan and I are getting a divorce. There. I said it. Without completely bashing him, I will state the facts. Last October, I discovered he had never been faithful to me. Never. In a round of lie after lie and only admitting to the facts as I found them, I was left devastated. He was very remorseful, and we eventually decided to work on our marriage. Because I didn't take our vows lightly. Because I married him with every intention of it lasting forever. Because I loved him, and until the day I discovered the lies, I had truly thanked God for him every day. Because I had never taken him or our family for granted. Ever. I knew our marriage, and our son, deserved a fighting chance.

In July, I discovered he was back to the same activity. This time, he flat out refused counseling, and I told him it would be the only chance our marriage had of survival. This thing was bigger than us, and he needed help. This lead me into a week of pure hell. I was stressed. I was heart broken. I was scared.

In the end, I decided I couldn't do it anymore. He was very cold, and he showed little remorse this time. I knew I couldn't fight for our marriage on my own, and I shouldn't have to after everything he had done. As soon as I said it was over, he seemed relieved. This hurt almost more than anything. We decided that he would stay on the couch until I found a job, because up to this point, I had been a stay at home mom.

His mom passed away a week later, and he never even called to tell me. I read that our son's grandmother had died on Facebook...

The night he returned home, from a week away in Michigan for the funeral, I found out that he had been going out to the bar with friends and had begun communicating with a woman. As I was confronting him with this, she called his phone, at one in the morning. Of course, he lied about who it was at first. When he admitted it was her, I told him to get out. I couldn't live under the same roof with a man who didn't even have enough respect for me to wait to start pursuing relationships until I had a job and he was out of our home. He was angry. He threw out a lot of threats regarding our son, and he left...

The last two weeks have been the hardest of my entire life. I have gone through a lot in the past, but nothing compares to this. Nothing. Divorce, especially on these terms, is something I wouldn't wish upon my worst enemy. I was forced to go to social services and ask for aid, because he initially left me with $128.11 and all of the bills. I have been forced to meet with lawyers to discover my rights and what the next steps are. I have been forced to file my son's name with the court system and petition for custody of my own child. That, my friends, is something I never thought I would ever have to do. That was the hardest day of my life. I cried the entire time I was at the court house.

I will be keeping the house, as it stands right now, so I hope to continue this blog in a slightly different direction. From now on, I can be known as the "Divorced Decorator" {giggle. giggle. tear.}, and I'll take you on the journey of a single mother on a mission to maintain a beautiful home for her and her son. We'll just be on an even tighter budget now, and you might find some boring posts {like how to change a furnace filter}, but please bare with me.

I am surviving. I am breathing, and I am taking it one day at a time. I will be alright...


  1. LOVE YOUR HAIR. your post was beautifully written (as beautiful as that could be, at least) and i can feel your strength. i love you. here if you need me.

  2. I will look forward to your new posts in a different perspective!

  3. I don't know you and you don't know me...I found your wonderful blog on a random Pinterest search on Google. I also don't know what you believe in, but I'm here -a mom of two in her jammies- saying a prayer (or three) for you and your little boy.

    Just wanted you to know....

    Anna K.

  4. I just found your blog on Tip Junkie and I am SO IMPRESSED with your home and how you are making it work on a dime! I have three kids and a very tight budget and you have inspired me to not get down about it. I am a Christian and I am so sorry about your divorce. He made choices that were not your own and you and your son are having to suffer because of it, but the Lord has a very special plan for you that will, one day, be so brightly obvious and His hand in this will be evident as He pulls you out of the muck and on to happiness again. Your son is precious and worth every moment that you invest. I wish you the very best. Thank you for being inspirational!

  5. I am so very sorry that this happened to you. I admire you for doing what you have done to change your life in a positive way. I am sure it is definitely a difficult thing.

  6. I just found your blog....and I just read this post. And for a minute I had to stop and remind myself that you werent writing my story. Almost verbatum...I dealt with the same thing. I was in a dark place for a long time. But...I can tell you this...things will get better. I am remarried now, to a man who loves me and we have a son together. My ex gave up rights to my older son and my husband adopted him! I am so blessed! Keep the faith. Believe. I pray for you and your little boy. You are inspirational! Thank you for sharing your story! God bless you!

  7. Thank you so much, ladies, for all of your support! Your words make my days a little brighter! xoxo