Life Changes

I have really struggled with the idea of writing this post, but then a few things came to mind. First of all, I did nothing wrong and have nothing to hide. Second, writing has been a therapy for me since I can remember and has always helped me work out my thoughts. Third, I need the truth to come out, so I can move toward the next step and breathe a little easier.

Ryan and I are getting a divorce. There. I said it. Without completely bashing him, I will state the facts. Last October, I discovered he had never been faithful to me. Never. In a round of lie after lie and only admitting to the facts as I found them, I was left devastated. He was very remorseful, and we eventually decided to work on our marriage. Because I didn't take our vows lightly. Because I married him with every intention of it lasting forever. Because I loved him, and until the day I discovered the lies, I had truly thanked God for him every day. Because I had never taken him or our family for granted. Ever. I knew our marriage, and our son, deserved a fighting chance.

In July, I discovered he was back to the same activity. This time, he flat out refused counseling, and I told him it would be the only chance our marriage had of survival. This thing was bigger than us, and he needed help. This lead me into a week of pure hell. I was stressed. I was heart broken. I was scared.

In the end, I decided I couldn't do it anymore. He was very cold, and he showed little remorse this time. I knew I couldn't fight for our marriage on my own, and I shouldn't have to after everything he had done. As soon as I said it was over, he seemed relieved. This hurt almost more than anything. We decided that he would stay on the couch until I found a job, because up to this point, I had been a stay at home mom.

His mom passed away a week later, and he never even called to tell me. I read that our son's grandmother had died on Facebook...

The night he returned home, from a week away in Michigan for the funeral, I found out that he had been going out to the bar with friends and had begun communicating with a woman. As I was confronting him with this, she called his phone, at one in the morning. Of course, he lied about who it was at first. When he admitted it was her, I told him to get out. I couldn't live under the same roof with a man who didn't even have enough respect for me to wait to start pursuing relationships until I had a job and he was out of our home. He was angry. He threw out a lot of threats regarding our son, and he left...

The last two weeks have been the hardest of my entire life. I have gone through a lot in the past, but nothing compares to this. Nothing. Divorce, especially on these terms, is something I wouldn't wish upon my worst enemy. I was forced to go to social services and ask for aid, because he initially left me with $128.11 and all of the bills. I have been forced to meet with lawyers to discover my rights and what the next steps are. I have been forced to file my son's name with the court system and petition for custody of my own child. That, my friends, is something I never thought I would ever have to do. That was the hardest day of my life. I cried the entire time I was at the court house.

I will be keeping the house, as it stands right now, so I hope to continue this blog in a slightly different direction. From now on, I can be known as the "Divorced Decorator" {giggle. giggle. tear.}, and I'll take you on the journey of a single mother on a mission to maintain a beautiful home for her and her son. We'll just be on an even tighter budget now, and you might find some boring posts {like how to change a furnace filter}, but please bare with me.

I am surviving. I am breathing, and I am taking it one day at a time. I will be alright...